A Cheeky Look at How To Sneak A Horse Home!

From the June 2014 issue of The Stable Magazine – www.thestablemagazine.com/june2014

Need help sneaking a horse home? Making sure they're all the same colour, size and shape, with similar markings could be useful.

Adding another member to your herd can cause relationship grief with your non-horsey partner. If they fail to see the value in the new colt with great bloodlines that you've picked up at a bargain price, or the latest rescue you plan to rehabilitate (because she has so much potential and just needs some TLC) it is clearly indicative of their shortcomings in seeing the value in the deal, and not your problem in collecting horses. 

So how do you get around the issue? We've come up with a few creative ways to bring that new horse home, without causing a rift in the relationship. Some might call them lies, We're sticking to the story that they are in fact omissions, and nothing further.

You're simply 'agisting'

‘That new horse on the property that’s occupying the end stable? Oh, didn’t I tell you that[insert best friend’s name here]was keeping her horse here temporarily until she divides her paddock?’ By the time best friend’s paddock is ‘ready’, your other half may have forgotten about the horse altogether (best case scenario), alternatively you can explain that the paddock the horse was to go in ‘fell through at the last minute’, so the new horse needs to stay a little longer... Re-visit and alter story as required.

(Note: In actual fact, you never specifically mentioned that the new horse in the stable ever actually belonged to [best friend] in the first place.

Distraction technique

‘Yes, I bought a new horse. But did you also notice that I cleaned the house, cooked you dinner and bought you a new game for your X-Box?’

Money for A Rainy Day

‘You know when we were having the discussion about re-financing the home loan? And we set aside the money in that savings account for ‘A Rainy Day’? Well, that’s the horse’s name! What? You didn’t mean that? What the hell were you talking about then?!’

(Ok, less likely to fly, but worth a shot?)

The horse was free!

Unless your other half is cluey as to the feed, agistment and veterinary costs associated with owning a horse, tell them it the horse was free and once you have established Grand Prix dressage movements/jumped four metres high/won the Melbourne Cup, you can sell him for a mint - doesn’t he/she realise the value of a diamond in the rough? (Note: Ensure that your end goal is well above what you plan to do with your new horse!)

We needed more poop for the garden?

How else are you going to get the garden fertilised before spring? Think of all the money you’ll SAVE by having this extra horse and growing beautiful fruits and vegetables in your own garden!

I bought you a present!

Play the guilt trip card and say that the new horse is a present for your partner. ‘So we can spend more quality ‘couple’ time together - in the saddle!’ What could be better than that?! (Or in the case of the new horse being young or green, that your existing horse can now be the sturdy schoolmaster that is perfect to get said other half in the saddle!) When the other half is not impressed at your extravagant and heart-felt gift, you can feign extreme disappointment in the fact they are not grateful, which is sure to keep them well away from the stable for a good long while.

You agreed -when you were drunk!

Pick and choose your timing carefully when discussing these decisions with your other half.

A different technique

It’s much easier to ‘hide’ a new horse if your other half rarely visits your agistment property. If you live on your own land, it can be a little more tricky, as any visit to the stables from your non-horsey other half can result in ‘who the hell is this horse?’ - to which, you can obviously use any of the above tactics. In the case that you may have exhausted all of our above suggested excuses, you can always discourage regular stable visits from the other half by finding jobs for him (or her) to do - either around the house (to keep said partner occupied elsewhere) or by asking them to assist in any number of mundane stable jobs, until the connection is made that a random visit to the paddock results in hours of picking up manure, catching and tacking up horses, or any other jobs deemed to be undesirable by the non-horsey.

NB: We haven’t covered what to do in this situation should you already have a partner who is a horse-person, as we’ve assumed that fact that he/she would see the value in your new horse, and not have a problem with your decision making process.

Thank you to The Stable Magazine for this article, which was originally published in their June 2014 issue. Check out The Stable Magazine online now for FREE. Read this article and many more at www.thestablemagazine.com